5 foreign film stars who failed in their first crack at Hollywood

Jackie Chan in "The Big Brawl" (1980)

It seemed like it couldn’t miss: the king of Hong Kong martial arts action flicks making his American film debut with the director of “Enter the Dragon” at the helm.


But oh, how this movie did disappoint.


Chan had already shown the world some incredible stunts and fight scenes in movies like "The Drunken Master" [video link], but the creators of "The Big Brawl" decided to saddle Chan’s character with that most hated of kung fu movie clichés, the Reformed Street Fighter Who Promised His Dad/Uncle/Grandfather Not to Fight Any More. Top off this action-free first half with a goofy, carnival-like second half complete with professional wrestlers, pinstriped Mafioso, and roller skating, and you’ve got a wince-inducing waste of talent.


Chan took one more shot with a cameo in "Cannonball Run," then went back to Hong Kong to make a string of big-budget action epics, after which someone in Hollywood had the bright idea of compensating for his limited English abilities by pairing him [video link] with indefatigable motormouth Chris Tucker.







Nicole Kidman in "Days of Thunder" (1990)


To break into Hollywood after her riveting performance in the Australian thriller "Dead Calm" [video link], Nicole Kidman snagged a costarring role in a racing movie featuring Tom Cruise. Somehow, her movie career recovered rather quickly, although the recovery of her personal life from the fateful run-in with Tom Cruise took considerably longer.







Toshiro Mifune in "Grand Prix" (1966)


Let’s see, when an actor has established a rock-solid reputation as a high-energy thespian capable of exhibiting powerful emotions and ferocious intensity, what would be the best role to showcase those talents in Hollywood? The answer is obvious: playing a suit-wearing executive who does a lot of pensive posing while watching cars going round and round a racetrack.


(This early instance of the Racing Movie Curse — that it is nigh impossible to make a good movie about closed-circuit auto racing — is one that Nicole Kidman obviously had to learn herself.)


Two years later, however, Mifune would more than make up for "Grand Prix" by costarring with Lee Marvin in the excellent "Hell in the Pacific" [video link].







Simon Pegg in "Run Fatboy Run" (2007)


After he co-wrote and starred in the horror-comedy sleeper hit "Shaun of the Dead" and the not-as-funny (but still pretty good) "Hot Fuzz," Simon Pegg thought he was ready for Hollywood. Perhaps he was, but he had the misfortune of picking a film directed by David Schwimmer.


David Schwimmer? What were you thinking, Simon?


(Technically this wasn’t Simon’s first Hollywood role, but it was his first Hollywood role playing a character with a first and a last name, so I’m counting it as his first crack at Hollywood bigtimedom.)


But Simon will be playing Scotty in the upcoming "Star Trek" film, so all is forgiven.







Audrey Tautou in "The Da Vinci Code" (2006)

"Amelie" is the film that started the whole "kidnap a lawn gnome and take it on a world tour" prank. Despite that, it’s a wonderful film, due in large part to the subdued but irresistible charm of French actress Audrey Tautou.


However, someone clearly determined to sabotage her big break into Hollywood persuaded her to audition for the role of the annoying, charmless police cryptographer in "The Da Vinci Code."


Ms Tautou then returned to her home country to make films, such as "Priceless," in which she actually portrays appealing human beings.


Better luck next time, Audrey.







—Mellow Monk

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How to fix EBay

EBay's recent changes to its feedback system are being widely decried as a bad move, but I'm not so sure.


The change eliminates the ability of sellers to rate buyers. In other words, if you sell an item on EBay but the buyer flakes, you don't get a chance to leave nasty feedback. From now on, only buyers can leave feedback for sellers.


Which is usually as it should be, as that's the norm in the general marketplace, yes?


Let me explain.


If I go to a restaurant and get lousy food and lousy service—say I find a cockroach in the soup and get smacked with a dirty mop by the waiter—then as a consumer I have various means at my disposal to inform other diners of what awaits them at Che Dirty Mop: I can leave negative feedback on Yelp, complain to the local chamber of commerce, or use good, old-fashioned word of mouth and tell everyone I know to avoid the place like a tourist bar on New Year's Eve.


But if, on the other hand, the service and food at Che Dirty Mop—name nothwithstanding—turns out to be good, yet I get a little too loud after my 3rd glass of wine or falsely accuse the chef of using rat meat in the veal cutlets, then the restaurant's owner or manager can ask me to leave. If I order food but then, after it arrives, send it back, telling the waiter I changed my mind, the owner can, from that day forward, exercise his right to refuse service and tell me never to come again.


But does the owner have the right to fax my picture to every restaurant proprietor in the area, telling them to steer clear?


That, I think, is analogous to EBay's now-defunct buyer feedback.


But there is still a problem at EBay that needs fixing, and it has to do with the delay between the bidder's winning an auction and remitting payment to the seller.


Anywhere else online, if I want an item, I pay for it up front, after which the seller mails it out to me. I don't email the seller saying, "Yeah, I'll take the Star Wars teapot" and expect them to hold it for me while I get around to sending in payment.


Therein lies the problem that EBay sellers want most to avoid—buyers who flake.


Which is why I think EBay needs a different system for paying, such as an escrow-like system in which a buyer's credit card is charged automatically once the sale goes through—too draconian?—or, say, a 24-hour deadline for paying. Buyers who miss too many payment deadlines could be barred from the site.


I'm just rambling here. I think I here my kettle boiling.


Bye for now,


—Mellow Monk

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